


Dysphoria

by remembertheginger



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Minor Keith/Lance (Voltron), Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 10:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7637179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remembertheginger/pseuds/remembertheginger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pidge's dysphoria is a real problem by this point, and the rest of the team steps in to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dysphoria

**Author's Note:**

> set six months after rescuing allura, as if they hadn't all gotten split up and everything continued as normal
> 
> this was written out of my own dysphoria and there is some vomit mention so if that's gonna squick you, consider passing on this one

 

“Hey, have you guys seen Pidge recently?”

Keith and Lance looked up from their rock-paper-scissors competition to scan Hunk’s concerned face. “They’re probably off tinkering somewhere,” Lance suggested with a shrug. “You know them.”

“Lance, I haven’t seen them since this morning and they’re not answering their comm,” Hunk insisted. “Coran is busy doing repairs but Allura and Shiro are already helping me look. Please, I just want to make sure, alright?”

“We’ll help,” Keith answered before Lance could say anything, standing and putting his hands on his hips. “Right?”

“I was going to say yes anyway,” Lance muttered, standing next to his boyfriend. “We’ll do better if we split up, right? Where are Shiro and Allura?”

“Shiro’s down by training, Allura’s looking around the bridge, and I’m going to be looking around our rooms. Pick anywhere else you think they might be and go."

* * *

 

Hunk looked in the halls surrounding their rooms first, knowing Pidge sometimes fell asleep around there tinkering. When he didn’t find them around there, he went to Pidge’s door, biting his lip. “Pidge, pal, are you in there?”

There was a moment of nothing before “Go away, Hunk,” in the most dead-sounding voice, and the sound of a bayard extending.

That sound was enough to make him panic, and he started working at their door. Usually, Pidge reset their password every day (they were the only one who had installed an extra password on top of the handprint), but Hunk was able to get it within a couple of seconds. A lucky hunch, probably. As soon as the door opened, he walked in, looking for them and seeing the bathroom light on. Since the door was open, he went in to see them contemplatively holding their bayard to their chest.

“Pidge,  _ what are you doing? _ ” Hunk demanded, both looking and sounding horrified as he grabbed their bayard from their hands. The blade retracted as soon as he touched it. “Where have you been all day? We’ve been worried sick about--”

He cut himself off as they turned away from the mirror and their eyes met his. They were so hopeless-- dull and dead-looking. It was startling at first glance. “Pidge, are you okay?”

They swayed a little, clutching an arm to their stomach. Hunk leaned forward to catch them just before they fell, finally thinking to activate his comm. “Shiro, I found them, they’re in their room. Tell everyone to stop looking but I think only you should come.” He bit his lip, looking again at his friend before gently picking them up and carrying them from the bathroom to their bed.

“On my way,” Shiro responded. Hunk was glad Pidge had gotten two-way channels figured out for them too.

“Pidge, what’s going on?” He sat on the edge of their bed, trying to make sense of things. They didn’t feel feverish or anything, but they did look pale.

“Water,” they rasped, and Hunk went back to the bathroom for water, bringing it back out to them quickly. They pushed themself up to sitting not without some effort, but accepted the cup and drained it quickly. “Been throwing up all day. Still feel sick.”

Shiro entered the room at that moment, looking just as concerned as Hunk did, just in a dadlier way. He stood just a smidgen behind Hunk, looking a little awkward. “Where have you been?”

“Tinkering and barfing intermittently,” they answered, trying to get out of bed before Hunk pushed them back down gently. “Can I have more water?”

He moved to get them more, coming back to find they hadn’t said anything else. Pidge was usually talkative, and Hunk had a feeling that there was still something he and Shiro were missing. Probably to do with how dull their eyes were. “Is there anything else you want to talk about, like why you had your bayard pointed at your chest?” He prompted. He could practically hear Shiro’s eyes widen at that.

They buried themself further under their blankets. “Not really.”

“Pidge,” Shiro didn’t say anything else immediately, but that one word was full of enough fear to make them shrink even further into their bed. “Please, talk to us. We want to help.”

“You can’t,” they sounded miserable, even with their voice muffled. “Thanks for trying.”

Hunk put a hand on what he thought was their shoulder, and they flinched under his touch. “Even if we can’t help, can we listen so we know?”

Pulling themself back up so their face could be seen, Pidge laid on their side, as if talking to the wall. “I feel trapped. In this body. The way it’s shaped just feels so wrong.” They began to shake despite the lack of emotion in their voice. “Remember when Coran caught me trying to sneak bandages out of the med bay? I was going to use them to flatten my chest. But I had to put them back.” Clutching their blankets closer to them, Pidge continued, “It’s just been getting worse. I never liked looking at myself in the mirror to begin with. Now I can’t or I’ll throw up. Today I couldn’t get my mind off it at all.”

Both paladins were stunned. What do you say to something like that?

Pidge wasn’t done, though. “I came back here after a day of throwing up and figured enough was enough and I was going to just take care of the matter. That’s when you came in, Hunk.” They sounded so small again now. “I know it was impulsive and wouldn’t have ended well, but I hardly care at this point. I wish I could outthink this. I can’t.”

“Well, we’re here for you, Pidge,” Shiro offered, but it was his best way of covering up the absolute lack of ideas he had. “Just... come talk to us when you need to, okay?”

“Right,” Pidge nodded, not looking at either of them. “Can I have a trash can? I don’t think I’m done throwing up yet.”

It was Shiro, this time, who moved to the bathroom to get them one. Hunk sighed just a little. “We’re gonna figure this out, Pidge. I promise.”

He left before Shiro did.

* * *

 

“Lance, Keith, I need your help brainstorming,” Hunk put his hands together under his chin. He had joined them sitting exactly where he found them when he originally asked them to help him look for Pidge. “As we all know, I care deeply about Pidge and respect their privacy, but this is a matter of them not making stupid, impulsive decisions, and also not throwing up all day.”

Keith blinked. “Were they drinking? I didn’t even know we had alcohol onboard.”

It took Hunk a second to register this. “No, they’re--” He tried to recall the exact words they had used, and failed, which produced a sigh. “I don’t know, they don’t like the way their body is. And it’s to the point that it’s making them sick.”

“Hang on, do you know what about their body they’re unhappy with?” Lance looked interested now-- not to say that he wasn’t earlier, but that he seemed more intent now.

“Uh... I don’t think they’re happy with their chest,” Hunk recalled. “They said that time Coran caught them sneaking bandages out of the med bay they were going to use them to flatten their chest.”

Lance’s eyes widened. “Well, thank god Coran caught them, then! That would have fucked up their ribs and lungs.”

Keith and Hunk looked at him in confusion. “How would you know that?” Keith asked, genuine befuddlement written across his face.

“Some of my brothers were stupid enough to do that when they were younger,” Lance explained. “Jack was older than me when that happened, so I had no idea what would happen, but I saw how well that went to at least be able to stop Luke.”

Hunk sighed. “Well, there goes that idea then, because I was going to say maybe we could help them with that.”

Lance looked thoughtful, though. “But there’s something else that might be able to help. My mom looked it up when Jack passed out in front of her and she had to cut the bandages off while he was passed out. I don’t think we have the right fabric for it, but it’s called a binder, because it binds your chest down.”

Eyes lighting up at this, Hunk shot up. “I’m gonna go tell Pidge--”

“Wait, hang on a second!” Lance grabbed his arm before he could leave. “We need to find the fabric and it’d be nice if I could find a pattern too before we jump off and tell them. I don’t want to get their hopes up only to have it go wrong.”

Hunk looked helplessly to Keith, who sighed. “He’s right, Hunk.” Keith glanced at Lance, asking, “How bad would it be if they used bandages until we got the right fabric and pattern?”

Lance bit his lip. “I don’t even want to think about it, honestly. Jack warped his ribs from doing that. It’s not going to give them room to breathe.”

“Lance, you should go talk to Allura about finding the fabric and pattern. Then we should all get to sleep,” Hunk suggested, and Lance nodded. He gave Keith a little kiss on the cheek before walking off to find Allura.

* * *

 

It took some research and a couple of stops at planets they had to fake as necessary, but Lance found the pattern and correct fabric. He was very grateful the Altean funds in Allura’s possession were still accepted by the planets who had managed to stay out of Zarkon’s grasp, and thanked Allura sincerely when he had all the supplies he needed.

“It’s going to help Pidge, there’s no need to thank me,” was her response. He resisted the urge to thank her again anyway.

The pattern wasn’t complex-- it was the matter of figuring out Pidge’s measurements so that they could actually wear it that was the challenge. He managed to get the numbers from them without spoiling as to why by only telling them “It’ll make you happy, I promise.”

He finished it after dinner one night when Pidge had looked particularly miserable. They had picked at their food, hardly eating any of it, and it gave Lance the surge of determination he needed to finish it. They wouldn’t feel like this anymore.

When he was finished, he gathered everyone to show them. Coran clapped a little, which Allura gave him a look for. “Anyway, I thought we could all give this to them, since it’s really from all of us,” Lance suggested, waiting for a response.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea,” Allura smiled. Everyone else nodded or spoke some form of agreement. “I think they’re probably out tinkering, don’t you?”

“Let’s find them, then!” Hunk grinned. He had spent plenty of time worried about his friend, and would be glad to finally be able to see them truly happy again too.

The group found Pidge tucked away in a little corner not far off from the ship’s crystal power source. Lance was the one who stepped forward, binder hidden behind his back. He hadn’t thought to wrap it. “Hey, Pidge.”

Their eyes snapped up to his face. “Yeah?”

He presented the binder to them. “From all of us. We really hope it’ll help.”

Pidge took it, holding it out in front of them to unfold it and examine it. “It’s... a tank top?” They sounded confused, and maybe a little disappointed. “Uh, thanks, you guys, but I really don’t think--”

“It’s a binder,” Lance explained, trying to get them to understand. “It’ll flatten your chest and still let you breathe. That’s what you’ve been trying to do, right?”

This new revelation made Pidge stare at it with a light in their eyes none of them had seen in almost a month. “A binder,” they repeated, trying out the word before standing excitedly. “I’m gonna go try this on, I’ll be back in a couple minutes!” They dashed back to their room, running with an energy they had previously been missing.

“That went really well,” Hunk grinned, turning to Shiro for an unexpected hug. Shiro let out a little “Oof!” As Hunk lifted him off the ground, and then laughed when he was set back down.

The group waited in happy anticipation for Pidge to return, small chatter consuming them until Pidge came back into the room. Their chest was flatter under their shirt, which was the only real difference anyone could see, but they beamed anyway. “Thank you all so much,” they sounded almost relieved underneath their happiness. “I don’t really know where to start to express how much this means to me--”

They were cut off by Hunk stepping in to hug them. After a second, Allura joined them, and then Lance, and then everyone else all at once. “We know, Pidge,” Hunk said softly. “We’re just glad to see you happy again.”


End file.
